


Kinda not heterosexual

by withinmelove



Series: MI6 Anon Fills [3]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Community: MI6 Cafe | mi6_cafe, Gen, Humor, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, MI6 Cafe Anon Prompt Gift Exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21876583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withinmelove/pseuds/withinmelove
Summary: James hasn't told anyone he's not straight because it's never impacted his work. Up until 003 whines at him about a distasteful mission of having to seduce another man. Things get interesting then.
Relationships: James Bond & Eve Moneypenny, James Bond & M, James Bond & Q
Series: MI6 Anon Fills [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1564876
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57
Collections: Discord Community Archive, MI6 Cafe Collections, Mi6 Cafe Prompt Fills





	Kinda not heterosexual

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: James has been grounded from missions for medical reasons and so is in Q branch when another agent throws a huge hissy fit about having to seduce another man, James says that he'll do it, everyone else looks at him like he's crazy because they never realized that he wasn't straight, or any other scenario in which James Bond has to explain to people that he's not straight and proceeds to get rather annoyed and snippy about it

While James doesn’t hate having free time there’s a reason fieldwork suits him. By his nature he’s restless preferring to always be on the move. Out in the middle of things his mind and body are forced to stay limber if he doesn’t want to be killed.

Unfortunately it’s a fact of life that there will always be that someone who is a touch faster than himself. This is one of those times resulting in a broken hand and a dunk in the local river. What he got from that nasty river water was bacterial pneumonia. It had been bedrest, antibiotics, and plenty of fluids. If he’s truthful (not that he’d ever admit this) having two weeks off to sleep and play on his laptop undisturbed is great. Sure, this isn’t something he wants to do _all_ the time, but when he feels this bone tired he’s glad for the reprieve.

Once he’s cleared through Medical that he’s no longer contagious or ill James is ready to be back in the halls of MI6. Annoying that he’s still pinned down on home soil because of the broken hand.

Off to Q-branch he goes after being cleared of not being a harbinger of sickness. He hasn’t quite made up his mind if it’s to be mischievous or to have company around. Eh - a bit of both. 

What with a whole two weeks off Q will have some new equipment made and mission stories to tell. Instead what James finds in Q-branch is 003 protesting he will _not_ seduce another man to Q. For the record Q seems entirely not impressed or bothered by 003’s complaints. 

“Q, for god’s sake I’m not gay! I don’t know how to seduce a man.” 003 whines terribly undignified. 

James doesn’t bother to be quiet as he advances upon the two or pretend he’s not eavesdropping. Besides it’s not as if there are really any secrets among MI6 employees. To be sure 00-agents don’t go blathering country destabilizing secrets, but nor are they afraid to complain or brag about missions to each other. 

Apparently seducing a man is abhorrent to 003 for some reason.

“What seems to be the issue 003?” James calls over as if he’s unaware of the other agent’s loud complaining. Q smiles warmly at James (likely for saving him from this unwanted haranguing). 003 rolls his eyes. 

“I’ve been assigned a honeypot mission with a male target.” His tone conveys James should immediately understand what’s wrong with this situation. 

James raises an eyebrow. 003 blinks taken aback at the lack of response. He looks at Q for back up to find Q’s only watching slightly amused at this whole hullabaloo.

003 gestured as if for James to speak.

“Don’t tell me _you_ the womanizer of MI6 agree with the mission. James. I’m straight. _You’re_ straight -”

James puts up his hand to stop 003 right there. 

“Actually I’m not, 003. But I appreciate you assuming that. Seducing a man or woman doesn’t bother me. I rather enjoy both.”

This steals whatever the other agent was going to say. For some reason that irks James a bit. Apparently it’s been assumed he’s heterosexual purely from his missions. A terrible way to draw conclusions from, as he’d just as happily woo a man or a woman. MI6 had just assumed his preferences. 

He’s no longer in the mood to humor 003’s stupid qualms with having to flirt or god forbid kiss and caress a man. Without another word James turns and stalks from the room his temper flaring. Time to leave before he does something stupid. 

\--

Of course nothing like this stays quiet. M is likely told that day but James doesn’t return until two days later. What can he do? His hand is still broken and he’s not cleared to return to the field quite yet so technically there’s no reason for him to be at MI6.

No more as he returned to take a soak in the 00-agent only hot tub when M catches him just about to enter the locker room. 

“Bond. My office. Now.”

James hasn’t heard M be this monosyllabic in quite some time. A sigh. Well he can always enjoy the soak after M scolds him for something new.

M waits to say anything until after he’s closed the door, although she doesn’t take a seat behind her desk as she normally does. Instead she does the odd thing of sitting against her desk. Despite the fact he’s done nothing to be reproved over he tenses at what M has to say. She’s not usually this tip lipped on any subject. 

Instead of being upfront M rubs her hands together as if they are cold clearly trying to think of how to phrase whatever her thoughts are. 

“M. Say what you want to. You know my feelings aren’t hurt easily. You’re driving me mad trying to be so careful and that’s not like you.” 

She hmphs narrowing her eyes at him. “Fine. I was informed two days ago that you and 003 had a conversation in Q-branch about a certain delicate topic.” M pauses waiting to see if he will jump in. He doesn’t just raises his eyebrows indicating _so?_ She crosses her arms shifting against her desk. “You told 003 you that you weren’t straight, that you didn’t mind being put on a honeypot with a male mark. I presume this was said to rile up 003? He seemed quite... _surprised_ at this admission of yours.” 

It’s a struggle to hold in the sigh he wants to huff out. Not this stupid thing.

“Well dear M it might have to do with the fact that indeed I am not straight.” 

This clearly startles her too. He’s very close to rubbing his face out of exasperation. 

“Why did you never tell us? We -”

“M.” He interrupts not wanting to hear some bullshit about being more inclusive. “Was my lack of heterosexuality even vaguely a factor in hiring me on to MI6?” 

She draws up short from whatever she was going to say. “Well - no. We hired you because of your skills and your potential as a field agent.”

He gives her a significant look. “Exactly. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to have a soak.” Without waiting for her permission he stands, nods, and leaves her office. No doubt he’ll pay for that show of disrespect somehow but he’ll deal with it. Anything to not struggle through that conversation a moment longer. Why him not being straight as an arrow is so bewildering to his fellow coworkers is quickly becoming annoying. 

In a frustrating continuation he’s given no reprieve from this surprised curiosity after his hot tub soak for now it’s Eve waiting for him. She doesn’t even _pretend_ to be subtle.

“James.” Eve stands from the lounge couch that’s a little ways from the 00-agents locker room. James...is definitely going to have a talk to M as to why there is a couch so close to MI6’s top agents locker room. Gives an almost voyeuristic vibe to be eyeing their door.

“Eve.” James states. If she’s going to ask about his fucking prediliciton for cunt or cock he’s going to...do something very stupid.

She grins showing off those beautiful white teeth of hers. James doesn’t trust that gorgeous smile for an instant. 

“Sooo. I’ve heard there’s big news around the office.” 

He cuts his eyes at her glaring. This will be the _third_ person who has approached him on this matter. Was it really so hard to grasp? Yes, he loves kissing and fucking men as much as he does women.

Eve laughs not at all intimidated. She’s too used to his various moods. Damn. Already losing his edge on being formidable. 

“Congrats on swinging for both teams, 007. Anyways I’m just here to convey M’s orders to go see Medical. She wants you to have a discussion with them.” 

James frowns confused at the switch in topic.

“My hand is just fine. They checked it out a couple of days ago when I was cleared of being sick.” 

Eve shrugs a knowing smile on her face. James has a feeling he’s not going to be cheered by whatever the doctor has to tell him. 

Sure enough he isn’t. He ends up being given an earnest discussion in safe sex practices such as using condoms and dental dams because of the higher rate of HIV and AIDS among gay men or those experimenting. It’s only by gritting his teeth and wishing a slow, torturous death on 003 for his blabbermouth that James is able to not go ballistic on the well-intentioned but misguided doctor.

By the time he’s been released after his newest sex ed talk with condoms, dental damns, and water based lube in a discreet plastic bag he’s near close to snapping at the next person who even looks at him. The best place for him right now is Q’s office. He’s got quite the cozy plush single bed in there and the softest sheets not to mention a fluffy duvet to top it all off. What with the crazy schedule Q-branch works alongside the agents no one begrudges the Quartermaster his comfort. There might be the smallest chance that James is exhausted from all this ridiculousness and he’s ready to sleep off his coworkers’ complete shock at his lack of heteronormativity. 

Q glances up from where he’s typing away at his keyboard giving James a small smile.

“If you’re going to marvel at the fact I’m not straight, Q, I really don’t want to hear it.” James states as he heads straight towards the bed gratefully flopping facedown onto the amazing duvet. No lie he sinks an inch into the feather filled blanket. This is Heaven and exactly what he’s been needing. 

“Not to worry, James. I’m not as easily awed by your sexual preferences as others are. Now go to sleep. You need it.” 

James laughs as he shrugs off his shirt, shoes, and socks before snuggling under the duvet of bliss. Q knows just what to say.

**Author's Note:**

> My beta Raven helped me out with this <3 lol a constant rotation of betas right now.
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